Coaching Column:
Judging A Book By Its Cover Backfires
“No man can reveal to you aught but that which
already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge. The teacher,
if he is indeed wise, does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom,
but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.” Kahlil
Gibran.
When I first started my coaching business, my teacher
pointed out that before I could start cleaning out other peoples’
temples, I had to clean out my own. I took his suggestion to heart,
and have spent many years continually refining and developing my
life to reflect the qualities I wish to embody. No matter what path
we take to cultivate our true nature, as we peel away the layers
of our protective covering, we will come face to face with our own
demons. Changing ourselves is challenging. I have floundered and
flopped around the bottom of the barrel many times in my journey
to heal old wounds, open my heart, hone my talents and skills.
I have learned to accept my strengths and liabilities,
as I have witnessed my own foibles, confronted my negative self-
talk, and dutifully engaged in practices that supported me to release
and re-learn basic habits and core beliefs that support my commitment
to myself. Although there is no end in sight when we decide to improve
or reinvent our lives, the person I am becoming is closer to my
ideal. How do I know this? I can see and accept my own goodness.
Therefore, when I meet angels on my path, I can see them as well.
Several months ago I pulled my car into a crowded
gas station in Alexandria Virginia. A busy Friday night at the pumps!
There was a poorly dressed man holding a squeegee standing by the
pump. Like a switch turning on, my tension suddenly appeared. In
nanoseconds, I decided he was a nuisance, untrustworthy and frightening.
My tough New York exterior clicked into gear. I never even thought
about how I was appearing to him, rather I wanted to make sure that
I was safe from him.
When I get scared, or feel like there is no way
out, I toughen up, pull back and act like everything is under control.
The sense that I am not safe can be so pervasive that it can pop
up at will; I am not even aware that the pop up screen has taken
over, dictating how I will talk, walk and act. This is a developed
tendency born of necessity from my past. There is good and bad news
to learning about our conditioned tendencies. The good news is there
are definitely times when being on alert and tough is necessary,
however, if the behavior is automatic, which is the definition of
a conditioned tendency, and the situation does not demand toughness,
the behavior is a nuisance.
He could have met me with the same level of harshness
I showed him. Instead, he maintained his balance, grinned widely,
remained standing at his post by the pumps, and extended himself
to me, both verbally in his communication, and non-verbally in his
body language and attitude. His grounded ness helped me detach from
my automatic behavior. I was able to “right” myself, find
my footing, see him as a human being and proceed with filling the
gas tank.
Lawrence never missed a beat as he graciously explained
that the station owners permitted him to wash customers’ windshields
on weekends. I told him that I was initially afraid because I judged
him as someone who wanted something from me that I could not give.
He simply smiled. I began to think of him as much wiser than myself.
What had me shift from tough to soft? As a result
of engaging over time, in various holistic self development practices,
including breathing deeply from my belly, remembering that I am
safe in myself and bringing my awareness to the present moment,
I was able to find the goodness in both of us.
I could not have seen his kindness if I was not
open to seeing my own. What amazes me about this and other angel
interactions I’ve been experiencing in recent months, is how
delighted people are when you see them as human beings. I think
that goes back to a desire we all have to be viewed as human beings,
not as one thing or another, one particular label or another, or
not even being seen at all.
You cannot touch other peoples’ hearts, if
your own heart is closed. Nor can our hearts be touched, when we
are closed.
Lawrence wanted nothing from me. As a result, I
wanted very much to contribute to him. I don’t know if encounters
like mine are about increasing one’s faith in a higher being
or simply increasing one’s faith in fellow beings. What did
I give this man? A few moments of my time, a bottle of water, a
smile from the heart and respect for what we have in common and
for what we can learn from one another. Each chance meeting is an
opportunity to open our hearts and practice what we preach.
What am I learning as I continue to coach others
and develop myself? We can all change who and how we are in the
world, if we are willing to do the work. Over time, with continued
practice, you can embody the qualities/traits you want for yourself.
There are teachers everywhere who wish to guide us, if and when
we are open to receiving and acting upon the feedback they provide.
For every step we take forward, we usually end up taking two steps
back. But on a normal day, during an innocuous event like pumping
gas, you can find your own greatness. And that moment is worth the
all the hard work you’ve done.
